Forgiveness

Last year, I wrote a letter from “older me” to “current me”. This year, a letter from “current me” to “younger me”…

Well, well, well, young Mr. Crosby. How are you? Wait, why am I asking that? I know exactly how you are. It’s the summer of ’93 and you’re pretty miserable. But you’re faking it well. You’re heartbroken over someone that never truly cared about you in the first place and in a few short months you’re going to rebound into a relationship that will change your life forever. You’re at a job that you started 4 years ago, and for 1993, you’re making some decent coin. Decent for a guy who lives at home. Oh…but wait, you don’t live at home do you? No, you my friend…you moved out at 18 for all the wrong reasons and now part of the misery you’re experiencing is the fact that you don’t make enough to cover all of your expenses.

I’m hear to tell you, not much has changed on that front.

Unfortunately, some decisions you’ve made have had some long lasting repercussions. And in the long run son, we just didn’t learn from our mistakes. I could sit here and write pages and pages of words that would express my anger and disappointment. I could tell you what you should have done and give you shit for not using that brain of yours. You know, the one everybody always praised you for. I could point out each crappy decision that led to where we are now. But…that’s not only NOT going to change anything…it’s also only going to continue a cycle that has to broken.

We’ve spent our life wallowing in negative outcomes of the bad decisions we’ve made. We’ve spent more time wondering “what if” instead of saying, “ok, that happened, let’s learn and move on”. We’ve taken responsibility with great attitude, angst, and despair and we’ve acted very calm, cool, and collected about it thus giving others the illusion that we’re mature, well balanced, and intelligent.

When in fact, all we are is embarrassed and afraid.

So here’s the deal D. We really need to work on ending this cycle, and it doesn’t end with me constantly blaming you…me…us…for the crappy decisions that you…I…we…made. I could tell you that next year at this time you’re going to promoted and transferred, and it will be the biggest mistake of your life. I could also tell you that returning to Chicago State in the fall will be a ridiculous waste of time and that you should just go straight to UIC now. There’s a laundry list of things I could tell you to do now, or do sooner. But in the end…that’s not the right route for me to take.

Life is to be experienced, not lived. For all that we’ve done, both good and bad, we have had some amazing experiences. Those experiences are made even more amazing when we’re happy…and we haven’t been happy for a long time my friend. At least…not consistently. But that…is my fault. It’s my fault because of all the resentment I harbor. All of the anger I’ve let fester inside. I’ve essentially become a volcano in need of venting to relieve some pressure. The best thing I can do to make that happen, the one thing I can do for you…me…us…is to simply say…

…I forgive you!

Happiness begins within. And it fights hard to overcome the tyranny of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and pain. We need it though. We need happiness to be whole, to feel complete, and to enjoy not just the life we live…but the life that we experience. But I…we…won’t get there, until I forgive you…me…us. And so, once again, I forgive you and me…and love us unconditionally.

I know…weird right? Don’t dwell Mr. Crosby…don’t dwell any further. Just live, love, laugh, and learn!

Love ya Kid!!

D

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About My PoeticJustus

Look, I'll be honest. These "about me" sections drive me nuts. Basically because I'm awful at self promotion. Ok, not so much awful as, uncertain. I mean, what do I say? How much do I share? Do people really care? Here's what I'll do. I'll share some info and you can just decide what you like and what you don't. Deal? Cool!! So, I am Chicago born writer moonlighting as a mental health professional. Now, my paycheck and bank account would tell you that the opposite is true. But in my heart, I'm a writer. I have a few characters that I am very passionate about and some stories to tell and in between there, I have thoughts to share. Some are serious, some are funny...ok...most are funny. Nothing brings me more joy than stirring up the pot, pointing out hypocrisy, and getting people to think outside the box and challenge their long held beliefs. I don't want to change your mind or your habits...just think of me as the Devil's Advocate. So hey! Sit back, take a read, and feel free to let me know what you think. See ya around cyberspace!! Dennis
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One Response to Forgiveness

  1. margaret says:

    i can feel every word of what you wrote bravo my friend 🙂

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